Movies with Geraud: Mercenaries

I know, fellow adventurers. A few days have been skipped. But, it's only because I was sicker than an Ebola-plagued flu patient with an immunodeficiency disorder. And in that time the caveman controlling my diet was mostly silent. I had chicken noodle soup and buttered rice and ginger ale.

I say "mostly silent" because there was a time I would have had a lot of macaroni and cheese (only Kraft, with that silver packer of neon yellow cheese goo, thank you very much) and fast food. So, I would say major improvement.

So, you may not get to hear about my food or exercise regimen, but, you, dear reader, get to sit with me while I watch the greatest Expendables rip-off ever: Today, we're watching "Mercenaries."



I am curled up on the couch, at approximately 1 AM, unable to sleep due to the constant cough whose only purpose must be to facilitate the very messy escape of my lungs through my torn and ravaged throat.  I cover myself with  a blanket. Naturally, I leave room for you to join me on the couch.

Immediately, the movie breaks bad. According to the movie itself it isn't called "Mercenaries." It's called "Expendables 3.0." What??? Is this from the Expendables franchise? How could it not be good?

I sit up a little, no longer expecting a total shit-show. This might be worth a damned.

The President's daughter is on some sort of "I'm looking out for the safety of women in foreign lands" visit to a place who's name isn't real. Granted, my geography is shit, so it could have been a country near Jamaica. Whoever this woman is, she is a bad actor. Bad bad. But who cares? 3 minutes in and she's already in a gun fight. People are trying to take her hostage. People with accents that I can't place. Are these Samoans?

Whoever they are, the country is led by Brigitte "I banged Flav-A Flav" Nielson. Also known as Brigitte"ewww, gross!" Nielsen. They take POTUS's child back to headquarters where we hear a rousing speech about how shitty America is. We're apparently a society of whiney, arrogant...

Oh shit! The daughter just grabbed a knife and put it to Red Sonya's throat! Wow. A very, very rubber knife. I mean, crazy rubber. She may as well be holding a stick of Big Red to Brigitte's throat. Not that it matters. Brigitte is out in a second and killing some random woman to prove how bad ass she is.

Back in the USA, land of whiney arrogant folks, Cynthia "About Twelve People Remember Me From the 80s" Rothrock is recruiting a bunch of killers, a la The Dirty Dozen. Except none of these killers can act. We meet Cassie Clay, played by Zoe "Stuntwoman-To-Everyone" Bell. She's tough and has apparently kicked the shit out of her commanding officer and wound up in jail. She never explains why she did it. I'm going to bet it was for some noble reason. She's going to be the leader of the group.

We meet Kat Morgan, played by Kristanna "I Was In Burn Notice...No Seriously" Loken. Three of you might remember her from the Sci Fi hit Painkiller Jane. When I say hit, I mean it was on Sci Fi back before it was called Syfy.

We meet Mei Lin Fong, played by...who the hell is this? I think I saw her on an episode of Human Target. Now THAT was a good show. Especially Guerrero. That dude was...

Is that Vivica Fox?? Sorry. Vivica A. Fox. The A stands for "awww...I really need the money." I would have sworn she could act better than this. Holy shit, she's terrible. Also, she's going to be the traitor. Her back story couldn't yell "I'm the traitor" any louder without the viewer actually seeing her betray stuff.

The girls from Mercenaries. Sorry, Gyrrlz from Mercenaries!

I may have taken a quick nap. Or, it might have just been boring for a few minutes. I might have also been playing Puzzles and Dragons on my Samsung Note. Either way, when I get back the Mercs have gotten into a gun fight sneaking into whatever country Mrs. Ivan Drago is in charge of. Morocco? 

They aren't sneaky enough. Not when Vivica goes off-script and starts shooting. And this gunfight is EPIC. Think the A-Team, but with people who have never learned to shoot a gun before. Wait, that might have been the A-Team. Vivica is shooting like she just put on gang colors. And Painkiller Jane blinks whenever she pulls the trigger. But, after 3000 rounds get fired and 3 guys get killed, the battle is over. Horray!

With no transportation, our femme fatales walk casually through the streets of...um...You know...I think maybe that's Perth. I'm sure of it. Perth has a lot of huts and shit, right? Is Perth a country? Actually, I don't think it is. I'm going with Ayers Rock. I KNOW Ayers Rock is a country. 

So, the girls are walking with their guns slung on their backs dressed in black like they just left the Trinity tryouts for the Matrix 4: Neo Knows Tae Bo. Suddenly, some local girl pops out and picks their pockets. She steals a radio and our heroes chase her around for awhile. When they catch her she gives us our deus ex moment of the movie. She knows how to get into Red Sonya's compound! Bazinga!

After some great exposition, the Expendababes steal a truck with some missiles in it. They use those missiles in the old "we stole your truck full of missiles, but we'll give it back if you will only hire us to join your crew, even though right now you have the President's daughter as a hostage and there is no way you'll agree to this" play. Naturally, Mrs. Ivan Drago let's them in. I mean, why wouldn't she?

The Mercs infiltrate and manage to seduce and tie up every man on guard duty and manage to get the President's daughter rescued. Apparently all men are just horny beasts waiting for some military chick who's been wearing leather for 3 days to come and put the moves on them. Good thing, too. Looks like the Mercenaries are going to pull this off.

OH SHIT!! Vivica "Don't Call Me Copperhead" Fox just changed sides. I did NOT see that coming! 

This is a face you can trust.

Zoe and the POTUS kid make a break for it. They run to the top of the building...which is what any trained soldier would do. Unfortunately, just before they grow wings and fly away (or whatever the plan was) the ruler of Uzbekistan shoots Zoe in the shoulder, blasting her off the building. They capture the rest of the girls and leave Zoe for dead on top of a truck. A truck that she fell on top of. A truck that, for some reason, drives away. A truck that just drives out of Brigitte's compound and out into the countryside with a presumably dead mercenary on it.

Uh. So...that just happened. But, we don't have long before she decides to go back in and rescue the President's daughter again. And maybe save her friends, even though they should be long dead by...oh. Nope. They are all alive and tied up. About to be tortured. I think the Riddler may be coming in to ask them some questions. WHY AREN'T THEY DEAD?!?!?! Anyway, Zoe is about to go Liam Neeson up in here!

Zoe breaks back into the compound. This time she's alone and wounded, but she's got anger on her side. She kicks ass! And, for some reason, no one wants to shoot her. Dudes just run through the street or jump out of buildings and try tackling her or punching her or tripping her. I shit you not. Some guy just tried to trip her! She beats that dude's ass! Ouch. 

She gets in and rescues EVERYBODY. Including some women who were going to be sold into prostitution. She releases them, gives them guns, and sends them on their way.  She and her Merc team goes one way, the freed prostitutes all run in the other direction. Zoe says, and this is a direct quote:

"I say we go PMS from hell in this place." Naturally, the Mercs agree.

In the meantime, the freed prostitutes literally make it around the corner before they get mowed down by one of Red Sonya's henchmen. Holy shit!! I mean, every last girl is dead! They just got out of their cells! I mean, they are decimated. By a handheld Gatling gun! Wow. I...I mean... That's fucked up!

The mercs can't be bothered with this.Now a car chase is happening. This section is obviously brought to us by Jeep. Car chases. Bullets flying. No damage to the cars. Pristine jeeps tearing through the city of...Dubai, maybe? But, the Mercs make it to an awaiting American plane. There's no pilot there, so one of the ladies has to fly them out of there. So, they do. 

But wait! There's more!

Brigitte is driving up, trying to catch up to the plane before it can take off. What if she does? There's nothing she can...wait a second.

Is there a...

You will not believe this. There is some sort of strap hanging from the plane. The plan is one of those huge C-17s. But for some reason it just has some random strap dangling from it, like toilet paper stuck to your shoe when you leave an airport bathroom. Oh, and the tail gate is down. Sure. Who doesn't fly with the tailgate down?

Brigitte grabs that strap and the plane takes off and everyone breathes a sigh of relief until Brigitte pulls her ass into the open tail of the plane and just starts blasting a 9mm Beretta all over the place. I should rewind and count, but I am sure she fired no less than 73 bullets, and only PainKiller Jane got hit. Shot in the gut! Her exposed, six-pack gut! And she gets shot out of the plane. Zoe is sad...but she must fight on!

She and Brigitte are fighting. Who do you think would win: Xena the Warrior Princess's stunt double or that traitor chick from Beverly Hills Cop II?

Well, you'd be wrong. Zoe is getting her ass beat like a high-school nerd getting on the wrong bus during football season. Fortunately, Brigitte isn't the only one who learned that rope trick. PainKiller is back! She uses that strap to lasso Brigitte and...ahhh. 

Look there. See that? Remember those missiles they ladies stole? The ones they gave back to Brigitte in order to join her gang? Well, there they are. They are on this plane somehow. What?? And now, Brigitte is stuck to these missiles with that mystery strap hanging from the back of a C-17 with it's tail section open. Zoe pushes a button and the tailgate opens just a bit more so that Brigitte and the missiles fall out of the plane...and on to Brigitte's compound! Bull's Eye!! The compound explodes in a fiery hell of crap CGI!

By the time to credits roll on this thing I am exhausted! The girls have a slo-motion walk into the sunset and I give a standing slow-clap to this wonder of modern cinema. Of course, I'm hopped up on cough syrup and Sudafed, so what do I know?