The Good Foot

The Good Foot
11" x 14"
Oil on Canvas
$300

This painting was a lot of fun to do. I see more of these in my future!

An MBA's Answer to the Selling of Art

This is an incredible business article concerning art. If you are an artist or if you know an artist, this article it for you. This article, written by Yong Joo Kim, guest blogger for Artbizblog.com.

Here is the first part of the article, with permission from the Artbizblog. Finish reading it at their site. It's an amazing read!

Conversation with an MBA Grad

 written by guest blogger Yong Joo Kim.

In school, I got the impression that “selling” was “below” artists. “How do artists make a living?” students would ask. “Teach” was the most flippant answer. So I did. And it was wonderful. But it was not sufficient to make a living. To live off of teaching, you had to be a full-time professor. And full time positions in art is scarce, not to mention highly segmented.

While contemplating my options, I got to talking with my friend with an MBA.

“Why aren’t you selling your work?” he asked
“Sell? That’s not what artists do.” I responded.
“What do you do then?” he asked.
“I make art.” I responded.
“Then what?” he asked.
“I send it off to exhibitions or galleries.” I responded.
“And what? Hope for the best?” he asked, sarcastically.

“Sure.” I responded as-a-matter-of-factly.
“That’s the most uncreative thing I’ve ever heard of” he exclaimed.
“What?!” I responded, shocked and annoyed.

“You call yourself an artist and that’s the most creative business model you can come up with?” he continued.
“What are you talking about?” I responded, offended, not even knowing what a business model was.

“MBAs would kill to be in your position.” he said.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, confused.

“You see, our passion is in making businesses, not products. But businesses sell products or services. So when we graduate we are going crazy trying to figure out what to sell. Artists like you already have that problem solved. So it pains me to sit here watching you parked on your ass hoping for the best.” he exclaimed.

“You just don’t understand! Art is not for money.” I fight back, feeling the need to defend myself and the discipline of art.

“Who said anything about money? You’re thinking about large corporations. Not all business is infatuated with money. Money is a natural byproduct of a business exchange. It is the currency of business. But business, at its core, is about forming reciprocal relationships.” he said, firmly.

-------------------------------------------------

Keep going! Check out the rest of the article at http://www.artbizblog.com/2012/09/mba.html

A Live-Action "The Year Without a Santa Claus"

It's been awhile, I know. Nineteen hours of school will do that to you. I would apologize, but it seems incredibly uppity to apologize to you for not providing my own insight into the world. As if you have been sitting around in some post-apocalyptic world waiting for someone to bring fuel or water or electricity or the cold virus (I think I managed to cover every post-apocalyptic movie ever made with that one). Instead, I'll just hop into one of the things I was mulling over the other day:

TheWife and I were watching The Year Without A Santa Claus. She had never seen it. Can you imagine never having been exposed to this:



Well, the whole time I was watching I kept thinking about how amazing it would be to create a live-action version. I mean, who wouldn't run out to watch it? It would be in instant classic, like A Christmas Story 2 or  A Home Alone Christmas.

So, who would play these iconic characters? Who is worthy? Don't worry. I'll tell you!!

Oh god, is Santa dying??? Nope. Just a punk.

First, we have Santa and Mrs. Claus. Santa decided to puss out on Christmas. Apparently old St. Nick had the sniffles and decided the world could go screw itself. Santa can be a real whiney bitch sometimes. But Mrs. Claus is having none of it. She plays the heroin of our story. Sort of. So, who do we get to play this downer of a Santa and the upbeat Mrs. C? Well, when I think of whining I automatically think of Hayden Christensen, but I've sworn that if I have my way he'll never work in movies again! That leaves only one person:

Ricky Gervais as Santa? Well, only if he in't on screen very much!

Ricky Gervais has been whining his way through life since before the original The Office. Give him a shock of white hair and put a dab of red on his wee little nose and BOOM! Instant Whiney Claus! And to counter balance all that wine, how about a little class?

Does Helen Mirren sing? Could Shirley Booth???

The only way to salvage this is with some grace. She'll never sign onto the project, but we could ask. Because without her, it's doomed!

If only Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise could do this!

Then, we have the two actual heroes of the movie, Jingle and Jangle. These two elves are hilarious. Think Laurel and Hardy! Think Martin and Lewis! Think Scarecrow and Mrs. King! We need real comics to play these roles, not some wanna-be comedians like Eddie Murphy or Zach Braff. It's 2012! Let's mix it up a little:

Cross dressing elves? Hey, it's 2012! Get your head out of your ass and let this happen!

Mo'Nique is going to bring the funny!

These two would hit it off great. People have been waiting for this combo forever, even more then Will Smith and Kevin Kline. Dare I say, even more than Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson! Plus, I could see them becoming a very powerful Hollywood couple. We'd call them Eddique. Moneddie.

No, I have it:  Mo'Nizza.

Now, to the people that make this movie happen. The real stars of the film. The actors who are going to propel the movie into the top 10,000 movies of the world. At least! Without them, we won't be able to pay anyone. The movie will never make a profit. But when we bring these two in: BOOYAH! Every studio will be wanting to sign us up. Every producer will throw money at us! (Is that how movies work? I don't actually know. Let's assume.)

First, in the orange corner: weighing in at 247 pounds, the always angry ruler of the south, the master blaster, the Southern Heater, the hot-blooded check it and see gotta fever of a 103: The Heat Miser!

Wait til they get a load of him!

And, in the blue corner: weighing in at 123 pounds, the footloose and fancy free ruler of the north, Chilly Willy, the ice man who cometh, the cold-hearted snake look into his eyes - oh oh he's been tellin' lies: The Snow Miser!

This movie is his birthright!

And there you have it. The greatest Christmas movie ever not-yet-made. Just give me awhile. I'm sending letters to all of the actors involved. With a little luck, and a few Christmas miracles, we might just be able to get this baby off the ground!

Geraud

Rainbow Coalition

RAINBOW COALITION
8" x 10"
Oil on Canvas Board
$75

Blue Jean

BLUE JEAN
8" x 10"
Oil on Canvas Board
$75

Amor Eterno

AMOR ETERNO
8" x 10"
Oil on Canvas Board
$75

This one is in honor of Dia de los Muertos! I'll explain in the next blog post!

The Judgement

THE JUDGEMENT
24" x 36"
Oil on Canvas
$950

The Judgement is the latest in the Tarot: Major Arcana series. I'll be putting a higher quality picture up on the website, but I wanted to make sure you guys got to see the finished product.

The Chase

THE CHASE
8" x 10"
Oil on Canvas Board
SOLD

The latest in my smaller koi paintings. I particularly like the color choice of this one.

Nightcap

NIGHTCAP
8" x 10"
Oil on Canvas
$75

This is the latest in the Scotch and Cigar series. A fun little piece that reminds me of one of my favorite past-times.

Geraud 

Fear is a cannibal

"Fear is a cannibal that feeds upon itself. It lives in every dark shadow—wait’s around every corner. It can be in two places at once… on the path ahead, yet somehow always behind you. Fear hides in every decision, questioning your every move. And it’s your fault. You are the one who gives it life. You are the parent of your own fear. Every instinct tells us we can do nothing in the face of that which terrifies us. But that’s what fear is—instinct. We run because that is our nature. Better to run away and live to fight another day, or so the saying goes. But if we run, the cannibal feeds and grows stronger. Better to run towards your fear. Better still to face it. Stare it in the eye. Make it blink. Watch it shrink.” - Paul Jenkins, Batman the Dark Knight #1

As you all know, I am not a strong swimmer. And, as most of you know, in only three weeks I am supposed to run a 10-mile obstacle course in which one of the obstacles is to jump off of a 15' ledge into a pond and swim my way out of it. 

A cold pond.

A pond filled with other flailing, leaping, mud-caked bodies.

I can feel fear creeping up my leg, slithering along my thigh, and grabbing my balls like some demon possessed. I am not happy. Hell, I don't even have anyone for support. My team has fallen through. It's just me, my two imaginary friends, and fear. 

I've been afraid before. I've been afraid and managed to keep stepping forward. I'm not expecting to freeze up. I don't anticipate sheer, debilitating panic. And when it's all over with, I'll be quite insufferable, I'm sure. 

But right now, fear is my companion. Fear, and a little dose of anger and disappointment at my supposed team. Hey,it's alright. I know what they are going through. I know how terrible this is going to be. It's called the Tough Mudder. It has dangling electrical wires. It has ice cold vats of water to wade through. It's 10-11 miles long. Oh, and did I mention the 15' fucking jump into a goddamned pond???

The officials at the Tough Mudder say that you can skip the swimming obstacles if you aren't a strong swimmer. This would be comforting if it were an option for me. I can skip this obstacle about as likely as I can skip the whole race. It ain't happening. I may need a stretcher at the end of it, but I'm jumping off of that ledge. 

"Fear is a cannibal..." Good. Let it grow and snarl and gnash it's teeth and feed. But it, and I, are going over that fucking ledge and into drink.

And only one of us is coming out.

New Painting: Back To

BACK TO
12" x 12"
Oil on Canvas Board
$125

The second in the trompe l'oeil sketches I'm doing. These are lots of fun! Plan on seeing quite a few more. I may do some of them on a large scale, but not until the Greek and the major arcana of the Tarot series' are completed.

5 Theme Songs For When There's Trouble!

You've felt the pressure. You've known something was coming over the horizon and that the other shoe was about to drop. Maybe you were sneaking out of the house to buy cigarettes. Maybe you were running from a burning car. Perhaps you were trying to diffuse some volatile situation. Maybe you were actually trying to diffuse a bomb. Hell, maybe you're ex was holding a gun/knife/sledgehammer over your head and you needed to leap into action, Jedi-style!

When this happened, you probably froze. Let's be honest. We don't often manage to pull out our inner hero until it's too late. But it doesn't always have to be that way. Sometimes, you just need some musical motivation. Here are 5 theme songs that will help you out in any situation. Then, the next time you're in a jam just let your personal soundtrack play and you'll be leaping out of harm's way in no time.

1. The Theme to MacGyver
When I was younger, this was the tune I heard in my head whenever there was trouble. I was too young to carry a gun (MacGyver never used guns) so you had to come up with some creative alternatives. This was the music I heard when I got a flat tire, or when I needed to fix the broken soap dispenser so I wouldn't get into trouble with my parents, or when I dropped my keys into a sewer grate and needed to fish them out with a coat hanger and with some wadded up gum on the end. Got them out by the end of the song!




That's right. He made a missile launcher out of a pen! MacGyver was badass!!

2. "Elk Hunt" from Last of the Mohicans
You don't use this one lightly. Save this one for when shit pops off on an epic scale! When you're getting chased across the city by a biker gang, or when you're running down some brigand who just murdered a member of your family! Better yet, save it for when you or the person you love are about to jump off a cliff or something. Just be sure to yell, "I WILL find you!" That way, they can keep the faith.

Also, carry a spear or a tomahawk or something. Remember, this is some life changing shit about to happen!




3. The Imperial March (Darth Vader theme)
Sometimes things get really bad. Sometimes there is some trouble to avoid. Sometimes there's trouble so bad you want to cry. But sometimes YOU are the trouble. When you feel like you're messing up someone's day and it's giving you a case of the rigids, then this is the music for you. Play this on your internal mp3 player and people will get the hell out of your way! You can't help but walk like the Dark Lord of the Sith. I use this when I'm in the mall during the Christmas holidays. You should see those shoppers part like the Red Sea. Except for teenage girls. They don't give a damn about me and my badass walk. Frankly, they frighten me a little bit. They have way too much confidence for something that looks so frail.




4. Yakety Sax (The Theme From Benny Hill)
Dude, sometimes you just have to get the hell outta Dodge. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. When you're being chased by a hoard of scantily clad women then you had better ratchet up those gears and get some Yakety Sax going!

Once, during the Gulf War, I was lost from my partrol. My buddy Anton and I were in a terrible fix. I had one bullet left and he had none. We were like Owen Wilson in that movie nobody saw about him being behind enemy lines. I can't remember the name of the movie. I just know it was something about him being behind enemy lines. Anyway, just when we thought we were in the clear, we saw about a dozen men coming for us. Luckily they were out of bullets, too. But they still had machetes...or maybe they were axes. Ask Anton, he was there. Anyway, we were dead meat! But then Anton says, "you know what we need??? Some Yakety Sax!"
 And, sure as I'm standing here, we both stood up and hauled ass out of there! They were right on our heels! And they would have caught us, too. But the whole time we were whistling the tune from Benny Hill, and after about 3 minutes of running around in circles and around trees and through scrub brush and through an abandoned automated car wash, we managed to elude our chasers with but a few scratches. So, trust me when I say this works! Yakety Sax saved my life!




5. I Am the Doctor (The danger music from Doctor Who)
Where I used to listen to MacGyver in my head, now I only hear the Doctor's theme. This music works from the lightest of problems to the most dangerous of situations. Just remember, this isn't for when you're in trouble. This is for when you're rescuing someone from their own troubles!

You're wife is getting yelled at by her boss: you put this music on in your head, put on a long trench coat, scarf, cape, tuxedo or umbrella. Don't forget your sonic screwdriver. Kick open the door and solve everybody's problem in the blink of an eye. There might be some yelling, but mostly you're handling business!

You're man gets a flat tire in a bad neighborhood and some hoodlums start rousting him: get your floating metal dog, find a scooter that you can tweak so it goes 55mph, haul ass over to where he is and snag him. No deaths, but lots of bullets flying!

Watch 7 people die in a Wendy's from mysterious circumstances: Curse at yourself for a couple seconds, then declare "NOT ON MY WATCH!" Get on the intercom, make a quick speech, arrange some straws in a clever pattern, squirt some light waves through them and voila! You have just saved the day!

Your city is about to be invaded by the Chinese/Germans/Huns/New Zealanders and the National Guard will NEVER get there in time: You find a high place to stand, wait for the invaders to get close enough to hear your uplifted voice. You put this music on in your head, put your hands on your hips and tell the invaders that you love this land, and it's people and there is no way you're going to let them be hurt. Remind them that you've already defended the people from the Canadians/Lilliputians/Columbians/Great Pyreneesians and then give them one warning. Be sure to tell them that you are "The ________" I always say, "I'm The Angel"  but I've also heard people use "The Leopard," "The Sphinx," "The Gladiator," "The Marshmallow," and "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance."







6. BONUS: For When You're Victorious!
And, at the end of the day, you are victorious. The danger is over. It's time to roll credits! None of these make great endings to a Jack Bauer-like day. You need some "pat yourself on the back" music. Trust me. No one is going to give it to you, so you've got to do it for yourself!

So,the next time you beat down the Young Turks, or escape some crack dealers, or force choke some whining do-gooder, or save your family from a gaggle of kidnappers, or hop onto the back of a submarine that, for some reason, never actually submerges, then this is the music for you! I may be statin' the obvious, but there is NO BETTER victory music in the universe!!




Now, you're armed with just about everything you need to have a victorious day. The world can be brutal, but I've just given you the tools you need to take it head on and win! You can thank me later. While I wait for your thanks, I'll consider this another victory for me. Cue the music!

"Da di da daaaaaaa. Da di daaaaaa. Da di di daaaaaa. Da di da di da...."

-------------------
Did I miss any? Let me know if you hear your own music and what it is!

Geraud

A Note to People Who Can Swim

RELAX
14" x 11"
Oil on Canvas
$150

I have a note to people who can swim. But first, let me introduce the painting above. This is "Relax." I wanted to paint something that was just as the title describes...relaxing. What's more relaxing than a beautiful person lounging? Not much, my friends. Not much. I may turn this into a larger work, but I have plenty of larger works to complete. We'll see how it goes. Either way, I love just sinking my gaze into it. And the red-orange really helps with that. I almost added a little trompe l'oeil piece to it, like in the last one. But, I thought it would be distracting.


Alright, onto you swimmers.

This morning I went to the pool. I am a terrible swimmer. But the Tough Mudder is coming up fast and I have to jump from a 15' plank into a cold pool of water and then swim out of it. A week ago, that would have been my epitaph. "Here lies Geraud...stinking up the pool. Could someone please get him out of there."

But, I'm working on it. I'm trying. I'm an adult who learned to swim recently and I have to remember that for 40 years I could not swim. I can not expect to compete with Michael Phelps all of a sudden. Swimming is hard.

Not that you'd know it, looking at you people. You 'naturals.' You bastards who have been swimming since you were kids, just tadpoling around the pool like you were still in your mother's womb. Yes, I said womb! How do you stay afloat? How do you stay afloat and UPRIGHT??? Why do you not spit water every time you come up for air? How do you not sputter like your grandfather's 1962 Studebaker?

Grampa, why does the car smell like gasoline and lost dreams?

I watch you while you're swimming. Not in that stalker way, like my friend Who's-That who gets caught peering at people all the time, usually from around corners. No, I watch you in awe. You crawl over the water like a dolphin. Even the worst of you look like Poseidon next to me. I'm almost always surprised you don't come out of the pool with a trident.

But this morning, I felt it coming on. I was trying out the breaststroke (which you'd think would be my favorite, right?) at the recommendation of ZumBug and TheWife. I did that til I was tired and then finished up with a freestyle crawl. And it was magnificent! I was moving along the water like Aquaman. Granted, Aquaman with a broken arm carrying 17 cans of Starkist Tuna (packed in water, thank you) but still. Much better than the swimming koala that I was a few weeks ago.

Wow, Poseidon. Put some pants on. We can see your Kraken!

I shit you not, as I was swimming I heard:

"If I can see it then I can be it.
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it."

It was amazing. I felt like I was flying. It must be how flying feels.

"I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky."

I thought, I'm one of them. I'm one of the swimmers! One day, someone will look at me in the pool and be amazed and say, "I want to swim like that guy!"

"I think about it every night and day. I spread my wings and fly away.
I believe I can sore. I see me running through that open doo-oo-oor."

I was going to Forest Gump this thing. I was just going to keep swimming and swimming and maybe never stop. I was going to swim like there was...

Then, I took a huge gulp of water, went into a panic and realized that defeat tasted a lot like chlorine. I stood in the 5' deep section of pool, coughing and sputtering and trying not to make eye contact with the no-longer-bored lifeguard.

And I remember thinking, "I hate swimmers."

* * *
Did you have any trouble learning to swim? Any advice on how to teach a brick to swim? Put it in the comments!

New Painting: Eyes Open

EYES OPEN
11" x 14"
Oil on Canvas
$150

There was a little downtime while I worked out some administrative things in the studio, but a new round of paintings is on the way, including the next tarot painting. The first one up is Eyes Open. I like the close up composition of this painting and will have quite a few more coming soon.

I'm Just Seeing Cabin in the Woods????

Let me start by painting a little fantasy for you:

Let's say that I am a producer of movies. And let's say Quentin Tarantino came in and asked me for some money for a movie. My reply would be: "Well, Q. You're sort of hit or miss. How about you send me the script, tell me who you have on board to star in your little feature, and a full budget. You're going to have to give me some serious evidence before I give you any money."

If M. Night Shyamalan came in and asked for money I wouldn't even talk. I'd stand up and punch him in the face. And as he was crawling away with blood pouring from his nose I'd say to the crowd, "That was for Avatar: The Last Airbender." I'm sure there would be applause.

But if Joss Whedon came in, he wouldn't even get to his first three words. I'd give that genius bastard every penny in my coffers. And then I'd rob a bank and send that his way as well. He could come in and say, "Hey Geraud, I'm thinking of writing a movie about a monkey turd that somehow comes to life and gains super powers and decides to save the monkey that "birthed" him from poachers."


For that, I would rob TWO banks.

"Great. Monkeys get to be the butt of the joke...again." Signed: Random Monkey.

I had my doubts about Cabin in the Woods. I mean, I love a good horror flick. I hate teen horror. I care about Jason Voorhees about as much as I care about what Celine Dion is doing these days. I thought Cabin was like that. I was SOOOOO mistaken.

Warning, Will Robinson. I won't spoil the end, but I think some of what's great about the movie is the twist on it and I WILL talk about that. If you don't want to know, STOP READING NOW.

Alright, now that those losers are gone, let's talk:

I was blown away by this movie, my friends. Partly because of Bradley Whitford. Love watching him react to things. I could watch a whole hour-long show called "What Did He Just Say?" In said show, Bradley Whitford's character would stand in a room and listen to people talk and he'd react to whatever they said. I'd watch all day long!

"Not for nothing, but I think it's statin' the obvious when I say that is a fine idea of a show."

The concept of this movie is pretty much this: YES, horror movies are crazy. They have to be. That shit is real!!! Every major nation of the world regularly tries to kill off a party of hapless teens. The ritual is important. Why??? Because it's the only thing that will appeal to some Cthulhu-esque gods buried under ground!! Of course!

Watching all the versions of horror movie monsters was fun. Watching the insane death scenes near the end was one of the greatest things in the universe. As of right now, my favorite scene in any movie is when the guards are all standing in the hallway between two walls lined with elevators. Their guns are drawn and they are hunting out heroes down. The elevators all ding. There is the perfect length of silence before all the doors open at once and a half dozen different kind of monster leaps out and kills everything in sight!




I giggle every time.

TheWife and I both laughed when Chris Hemsworth tried to jump his motorcycle over a gorge. So dramatic. So breath taking. So heroic. So...WALL!! SPLAT!

This one needs to go in the collection. Joss, my hat is off to you. You've done it again. I can't believe I waited so long to see it.

Geraud

I Ain't No Fortunate Son, Naw!

LEIGH
8" x 12"
Oil on Canvas Board


I am the slowest runner in the world. I don't mean the slowest running person in the world. I mean, slowest of all god's creatures. I'm 6'2" tall with legs that can kick you while you're in the neighbor's house. You'd think I'd run like a gazelle. And I can. A newborn gazelle, while it's just coming out of the it's mother, wobbling around like a drunk girl at a frat party.

"Some folks were born with wings on their feet
Practically sailing through the air.
But when you ask them to join you on a run
They just sit like a koala bear, ya'll.

That ain't me. That ain't me.
I'm out there running like a little snail.
That ain't me. That ain't me.
Though I look like a newborn gazelle. YAWW!"

So, lately I've been listening to music that goes 180 beats per minute. Ideally, according to professional runners (how does a guy get that job?)

(Self-editing note: Not by running a 14 minute mile)

...a 90 steps-per-second cadence is the best. I'll buy that. But for the record, that's lightening fast! So, I load up pod runner, get a 180 beat track called Thud and Blunder, and run 3 miles in 1 minute intervals. 1 minute of walking. Relief. Then, 1 minute of running like I was a replicant being chased by Harrison Ford.

Maybe we can get Shia Lebeouf for a Blade Runner sequel!

I'm sure it's good for me. It'll get my legs used to moving faster. It also helps my heart, right? I mean, what could be better for your heart than regularly shifting it from Jim Croce all the way up to Anthrax every 60 seconds???

I've got less than 2 months for the Tough Mudder. I can finally do a pull up, so that's progress. I'm swimming once a week at a pace that would make sea anemones laugh. But I can run 13 miles without stopping, so at least there's that. And did I mention: I can do a pull up! Boom!

"Some folks were built with muscles in their backs
To help them lift some heavy shit.
But when you ask them to help you to move,
Aww, the whine about a slipped disc, Lord.

That ain't me. It ain't me.
I'll move a few things, but then no more, naww.
That ain't me. It ain't me.
'Cause I did a pull up and now I'm sore. BLAWWWW!"

(Self-editing note: Do I have to pay royalties. now? And, can I trade-mark "Blawwww!")

Geraud

The Chariot is Done!

THE CHARIOT
36" x 24"
Oil on Canvas
$950

This has been an amazing adventure. But, all great adventures must come to an end.

The Chariot has been one of the most fun paintings I've ever done. I quite literally cackled madly to myself while working on it. I hope you guys enjoy it even a fraction as much as I have!


Geraud 

The Search for Aphrodite

APHRODITE STUDY
11" x 14"
Graphite on Paper
$75


I have been on the search for an Aphrodite. This search is taking up too much of my time. Not on the actual search but on the fear of exclusion. I know I'm over thinking this, but my thought processes go like this:

Aphrodite is the goddess of love and beauty. In my head, she's the perfect woman. Her beauty is the beauty of the ages. Her allure can affect even the other gods! This image is powerful.

Two problems immediately crop up. First, my taste in women is grand. Tall, short, large breasted or small, long haired or short, black or white or Asian or Hispanic or Martian. Ladies, I love you all. The casting of "Aphrodite: the Movie" would be a long, stressful, terrible process.

Wait, take that back. It would be a glorious process! But, the actual choosing of the goddess would be excruciating!

My casting couch would have a dash of this and that.
I drew on many different ideas. Like a port in storm. I...uhh...

And then, there's problem two. The second I put an Aphrodite to canvas, I feel like I've chosen an ideal woman. And that means every other version is now "not ideal." This is a problem only in my own head. At least, I suspect that to be true. I hope that by creating an Aphrodite painting people don't suddenly say, "Ahhh. Geraud's ideal woman is tall with big hips, blue eyes and platinum blonde hair."

I love that. A lot. And it would be my favorite look...on a random Thursday. By the following Monday I'd think Aphrodite should be a small, short-haired blonde with a muscled back and eyes that draw you in like the pied piper. And by that Friday it would be a six-foot tall brunette with breasts designed by Zeus himself and eyes that seem to change color every day.

That last was TheWife, and yes, I've thought about using her as my Aphrodite a thousand times. She's my favorite thing to look at in the whole world. But will people take it seriously, or will they just think I've painted my wife, like a film director who uses his wife for all his starring roles.

There's too much angst about it! I've made it way bigger than it needs to be.

But, I'm getting over myself. I have made a decision...sort of. I've limited my choices. Aphrodite is coming. I think you'll be very pleased.

New Work in Graphite: Ashley

ASHLEY
8" x 11"
Graphite on paper
$55

I've been working on some pencil works just to keep my drawing skills sharp. It's been fun and I plan on doing quite a few more. The one above is of a friend of mine. Keep an eye out for more of these!

Progress on the Chariot III

She's coming along nicely. Here are the latest two sessions. I've made a lot of progress, as you can see from the second image. Already, you can see that she's ready to emerge!

Here, I've added most of the background and the bulk of the chariot. There is a lot of glazing left to do, and some serious shadow and highlight work to do, but she's starting to come together. Still a long way to go, but you can see the destination. Now, I just need to refine!

Want to see all of the progression in one place? Don't worry. I'll be putting together all of the progression shots on the website as soon as the painting is finished. And, a new video will be coming soon.

Geraud

Progress on the Chariot II

Just a quick update on the progress of The Chariot. A bonus for those of you who check the blog regularly...or for those who come back and look for things they may have missed.

Progress on The Chariot

This is the face that will make you want to do things that you know you shouldn't. It is the face of fate, and control, and grandeur. This is the face that will haunt you, that will make you dream of promises that can't be kept, that will offer you things that you couldn't possibly handle.

Or, maybe I'm wrong about you. Maybe you can handle them just fine. If so, follow her. Listen to what she has to say. Look her in the eye and tell her you're ready.

Go on. I dare you.

The Chariot is well under way. It's both inspiring and intimidating. But I'm not afraid to listen to what she has to say and I keep carving her out of the canvas. When she finally emerges I think she will change my life. I'm hoping she can do that same for you.

Geraud

New Work: Tiger

TIGER
6" x 8"
Oil on Canvas Board
$45


Yes, my friends, I'm still doing some small works, even while I create my masterpiece, THE CHARIOT. I don't know about other artists...in fact, this may be a glimpse into the vanity that is me...but there are two types of paintings in my barn or creativity. There is the painting that begins with, "I think this painting will be fun/adorable/inspirational/energetic."

And then, there is the painting that begins with, "oh please, please, please let this one be the one that people talk about in college art history classes in 2096. Let this one be the one that people talk about when they say 'Rubens was a great master of the human flesh...until his title was snatched from him by Staton, an artist from modest beginnings, who led a quiet, humble life.' "

When people of the future are living in the Matrix, or on Mars, or under the sea, I want this painting to be coveted by all. For the longest time, SIRENS was that painting for me. I don't know if the people of 2096 would agree, but it is still one of my favorites, if not my all time favorite painting.

Not just a favorite painting, but three of my favorite people!

Well, here's a preview of THE CHARIOT. This is as of two days ago. I've done some work on it, filling in the flesh and doing some work on the dress. But you'll have to be patient for those pics. For now, just the initial painted sketch.

If a superior piece of art is a masterpiece,
is an inferior one called a slavepiece?

There's one other phrase I repeat to myself, along with the 'college art history' mantra, and it's been playing in my head for days now...

"Oh please please please, don't fuck this up!"

G

Bigger Really Is Better

MR. GRUMPY
6" x 8'
Oil on Canvas Board
$45

The hits just keep on coming! Here's the latest in the smaller works. I'm loving working on these while I take a break from the larger works. Right now I'm working out some kinks in The Chariot, but it should be done by the weekend. It's going to be a massive 24" x 36" beauty. Can't wait to see it completed!

Mr. Grumpy is lovely, too. Don't mean to steal his thunder. He already looks like he has issue with me. I think he's upset because he wanted to be bigger than 6 x 8". I told him that a LOT of people are upset because they want to be bigger than they are. That did not make him feel any better. I recall that this also didn't make my friends LittlePetey and TinySasquatch feel any better either. Maybe I should look for a different argument.

It would also help if, when I see them, I don't say in a sweet voice, "Hey there, little fella."

We all want to be bigger. Dudes want to be bigger in the pants. Well, 93.6% of dudes want to be bigger in the pants. 4.2% want to have smaller tools. 2.2% refused to answer my survey, though they did look a little sheepish when I brought it up. Like Mr. Grumpy, TinySasquatch, and LittlePetey, I can't help them either...unless these ads that show up in my hotmail account are to be believed. If so, then line up and...

Wait, what am I saying??? I don't want anything to do with that line! Line up if you want to, but all you Skippers and your Little Buddies are on your own. I'll be in the line with the 86.3% of women who want bigger breasts. I don't have any experience with breast enlargement, ladies, but I have a few experiments I'm willing to try!

(Editor's note from TheWife: You have my permission, but for every 1 woman you "assist" then you're going to have to assist 2 gentlemen. Line up, everyone!)

(Writer's response: You ruin everything! And you're not the editor.)

(Editor's response: Fine. Then how about I put the three misspellings and put "THEN" back when you actually meant "THAN". Twice.)

(Writer's response: Ummm...thanks, honey.Look at me! I'm being the bigger man!)

Anyway, all this talk about being bigger makes me want to have a bigger breakfast. That dry toast is NOT hitting the spot. Something a little bigger than that would be greatly appreciated. Maybe pancakes! With bacon! And chocolate pudding!

(Editor's note: Talk about being the bigger man)

(Writer's response: STAY OUT OF MY BLOG!)

(Editor's response: Did you just raise your voice at me?)

(Writer's response: What? No! I...put the caps lock on by mistake. I was...um...folding the laundry and must have hit it and...um...plus I saw some roses that I wanted to buy you...and also...love?)

None of this will make TheWife very happy. But, you know what. It's my blog. She has nothing to do with it. Why? Because I wear the big pants in the family.




(Editor's note: Yep. He wears them right to the sink where's he's now washing dishes.)

New Work: AFTER DINNER

AFTER DINNER
12" x 12"
Oil on Canvas Board
$125

Another in the Scotch and Cigar series. I'm spending insane amounts of time in the studio trying to create new works. I'm having a great time at it! And thanks to KidVideo I'm no longer doing it in 95 degree heat.

Our A/C went out and while I save up my bones to get a new, super deluxe model, KidVideo is lending me a window unit. We have two in a house that isn't particularly large. Two window units seem to be the perfect amount. I went for a run this morning using the Zombies, Run app on my phone.

The story so far: After my helicopter crashed in the woods...rather, was shot down by unknown attackers...I went on a run to a little town that seems to be protected from the Zombies. Before I got there, I was able to get some supplies from a hospital and pick up a few extra things on the way. 3 miles later, and I've gotten back to camp. I even managed to get a file from the CDC.

Ok, back to reality. I walk into my house, one that is usually hotter than the world outside, only to find that it was actually too cold for me! My first thought was, "KidVideo, you kick ass!" The second thing I thought was, "My nipples are crazy hard right now. Maybe I should make it a little warmer in here."

10 Holidays You Need to Know About!

SMOKEY
12" x 12"
Oil on Canvas Board
$125


This is the latest in a series I'm doing of scotch and cigars. I may only do a few of these, depending on their popularity, but I'm having fun with them. I mean, I sort of have to drink the scotch and smoke the cigars in order to do the painting justice. I feel bad about that, but one must suffer for their art.

In case you missed it, July 27th was National Scotch Day. This is a day I have put on my calender since...well, since I found out about it THREE days ago. Here's the problem with a holiday like National Scotch Day: Scotch drinkers are notoriously laid back and the odds of them remembering your birthday, their anniversary or National Scotch Day are just slightly worse than a 3-legged horse winning the Kentucky Derby.

When I found out about my new favorite holiday, I was so busy that I was actually unable to enjoy it. Today, however, I plan on making up for lost time. That means that I have to drink about 6 drams of scotch...on a weekday...probably starting in the morning...but not before taking pictures of each glass so that I can paint them for my fans. Oh, the things I do for my work!

But this isn't ideal. No one wants to miss their favorite lollidray. Sorry, holiday. I might have started already. Nothing like a nice, easy Dewars blended at 8am. Where was I?

Ah, no one wants to miss their favorite holiday. So, I've decided to list for you some holidays that you may not know about. Some of thesshe might become your favorites, just like National Scottish Day is now one of mine. One of thine? One of mind? Why is my glass empty?

1. Backward Day: January 31st
The premise of the day is simple: Do it backwards! Walk backwards, talk backwards, sdrawkcab etirw, play boardgames backwards, run a race from finish line to starting line, wear your clothes backwards. This day is limited only by your imagination. Personally, I'm going to spend the day looking backwards. This would be the wrong day to try following me, CIA operatives...I'm looking at you, Piper Perabo.

Covert affairs? Well, since you asked so nicely.

2. Phil Collins Day: February 15
It's true! There was a time, not too long ago, that I would have reveled in the knowledge of Phil Collins Day. However, if you've read the "Is it Un-American to NOT Love In The Air Tonight" blog entry, then you know that my love for the man has faded, like your grandmother's old crochet pillows. Still, there are others out there who have not heard the news. We should alert them all! Or, we should drink this Johnny Walker Black that I just poured myself.

3. No-Brainer Day: February 27th
This is not a day for idiots. This is not a day that Zombies dread. This is a day for simple tasks, or "no-brainers." If it's easy, do it. Like that "friend" you call every once in awhile. This is not a day for paperwork or solving riddles or studying for economics exams. Let your brain relax. Type-A personalities, put this one on your calendar...and your blackberry...and your google calendars...

4. National Pi Day: March 14 (Get it? Get it???)
This day has been around since 1988. It was officially accepted by the US House of Representatives in 2009. This is the day to celebrate pies, my friends. Make pies, eat pies, throw pies. Just be sure to try something new. Sure, you can have your favorite key lime pie, but try the gooseberry pie while you're at it. Enter a pie eating contest. My favorite: Scotch Pie. Here's a recipe!

5. National Snowman Burning Day: March 20
That's right! It's time to take out all those old snowmen you have in the closet and burn the hell out of them! Wait, no, that's not right. Let me ask this 15-year old Glenfiddich what this day means.
Ah, the Glen says that this is a time for you to put winter behind you. Now, not everyone has snow on March 20th. Here in the great state of Norte Carolina you're as likely to get a meteor in your yard as some snow. But that's alright. Some folks make the snowman out of wood, wire, cloth, etc. It's all about the feeling of it. Make it cool, and then burn that snowy bastard! *urp*

Someone told me there'd be booze!!

6. Go For Broke Day: April 5
Are you a dreamer? Are you a super hero in an old man's body? Do you like gambling? Do you want to talk to that guy in the next cubicle but you're not that kind of girl? Do you want to tell the world you're gay? Do you want to write a great American novel? Do you want to write a great Russian novel? Do you want to be the oldest man to master parkhour? Today is the day, my friend. Today, you take the bull by the horns, point those horns at a china shop you want destroyed, and let that bastard go! Tell the old man what you think of him! Kiss that girl square on the mouth! Walk up to your favorite athlete and shake his hand and tell him/her how much you love them! Streak through downtown! Use all of your inheritance to buy a speedboat! Go out and buy an artist some $1100 scotch!

Jibba-whuuuu???

No, seriously. Go buy that scotch for an artist. Preferably an oil painter. One who blogs.

7. World Sauntering Day: June 19
Get your stroll on! Take it easy. Smell the flowers. Go with the flow. Put some flowers in your hair and slow your stride down, from a caper to a sashay. Try to walk in a straight line. Tell that occifer that you only had 1 drink. I'm gonna saunter over to the freezer and add a cube of ice to my Lagavulin.

8. National Butterscotch Pudding Day: September 19
Bill Cosby is turning over in his grave.

What? He's not dead? Oh. Then...

YAY! Bill Cosby! It's going to be National Butterscotch Pudding Day! Naturally, it's my favorite pudding! My Bill Cosby impersonation is terrible. Here, read this statement in your best Bill Cosby voice:

"I like pudding. I want to get me some pudding. It's National Butterscotch Pudding Day, everybody! Pudding cups and pudding pops and pudding pies. Pudding pudding pudding!"

That didn't sound anything like me!

How did you do? Video it and send it to me and I'll not only post the first three of them, I'll also do a painting of the three people together. That's how drunk I am right now. Get recording! And no, you can't have the painting for free. I'm NEVER that drunk! Send it by 11:59 August 4th and you'll be posted the following week!

9. National Ding-A-Ling day: December 12
No, this is not the day to put your wiener in your friend's fish tank. This is the day to be silly! A real-bell-ringer. There is even a club that is trying to make the word ding-a-ling get more use.

*giggle* I said "ding-a-ling."

DING! Time for more scotch, please!

10. Global Orgasm for Peace Day: December 22
This is my new, second-favorite holiday. It is exactly what you think it is. Wait, I have a soap-box here...

Ahem... "My fellow Americans, non-fellow Japanese, non-partisan Politicians, non-commissioned Officers and non-sequitur Comments. The world is a mess. It is dark and dangerous and foul. Sometimes people do cruel things to one another. Sometimes someone's wife will take away a man's scotch and berate him for drinking at 10 in the morning!

"When you are faced with these adversities and...umm...things that get in your way, or things that hurt you...real bad...you have to take action! You have to fight! You have to refuse to cower in the dark like a frightened rat. You must stand up and say, "NO MORE!"

"We must go into our bedrooms, our kitchens, our pantries. We must go to the dressing room of Victoria's Secret. We must find a soft patch of grass in the woods by our house. We must clear off our boss's desk while she is out to lunch. And only when we are at our designated places, then, my people, we must FORNICATE!

"We must rut, like wild pigs. We must hump as if the world depended on us! We must bang our brains out like we were teenagers at a Twisted Sister concert! Or a...Quiet Riot...or...who do kids listen to, today? Justin Beiber? Ok. We must bang our brains out like we were teenagers at a Justin Beiber concert!!

"And when we are about to reach our ultimate destination, when we are about to breach the doors of our sexual enemy, when we are on the edge of pulling a Mount St. Helens, when the Mexican Army is about to pile into the Alamo, only then should you think peaceful thoughts. Only then should you think about happy things. Only then should you put your positive energy into the world. And suddenly, there will be an eruption of love and energy and life so powerful that all peoples of all the world will feel it! And they will rejoice in the power of peace, the power of love!

"And then, some of us, will sleep. A deep, rumbling sleep that will last for a short refractory period, but during that time there will be peace and harmony and love. And there will be much basking."


What's your favorite abnormal holiday? Share it with us all!

G