REWARD! What is this book?

SCOTCH AND CIGAR
8" x 6"
Oil on Canvas Board
$45

TheWife and I are having diner with Scooter and his wife and kids. We're having a wonderful time. We're having cheese grits and pork, drinking daiquiris, watching the Olympics, and having some great conversation.

In this particular conversation we're comparing Stephen King to Dean Koontz. Turns out we all like both of these authors. We talk about the Tommyknockers and Twilight, The Dead Zone and Strangers, and so many other great novels.

Scooter and I both remember a book, just about at the same time, and we can remember the plot (sort of) but nothing else. We dragged conversation to a crawl while we spent 30 minutes searching the internet for this missing book. We can't remember the author, but we're pretty sure it was King. Yes, it COULD be Koontz.

So, I'm going to give you a very sketchy plot detail and you tell me what book I'm talking about. Your reward will be me buying you a drink. It's been bugging me all weekend. If you don't drink or you're not local then you'll have me undying appreciation...well, undying in that I'll talk about you in the next blog post!

Here goes:

A group of people live in a neighborhood. We meet the people all along the block, including a shady guy who may have a kid, a couple who aren't married and what we think might be a retired/fired cop. And some guy who's a dick. There's always a dick in the group.


These people live happy until some fog or something rolls in and then for some reason they can't seem to leave the neighborhood. They hear no sirens, or traffic from the nearby highway. If they try to leave they just seem to come right back into the neighborhood.


The bad guys seem to be some children's toys that came to life. Cars. I think there were three of them, in different colors. One is black and it has guns and at some point it starts blasting houses and killing folks. The people in the neighborhood ban together and try to escape and/or defeat this evil menace.


Any ideas??? We both remember the book, and we remember in the same way, so we can't be making this up! Who wrote it and what's it called. Figure it out and this will be our relationship next time we meet:




Thank you!

Geraud

Buttercup

BUTTERCUP
6" x 8"
Oil on Canvas Board
$45

I love doing these smaller paintings. They are fun to do, true. But the best part is that I get to work on many different topics. I have never had a problem with "white canvas trauma." My problem is that I have hundreds, if not thousands of painting ideas and I want to do them all. These smaller works will allow me to get closer to that goal!

Movement Makes Them Hotter!

MOVEMENT
12" x 12"
Oil on Canvas Board
$125

I'm really pushing these paintings out. I've been sitting in the studio for half a day at the time. The discipline is good for me, and as you can see I'm really producing a lot of work. And I'm having a great time. I have a lot of people to thank for this push, but at the top of the list goes an amazing artist named Jelaine. I'll be interviewing her soon (even if she doesn't know it yet) so be ready to learn about one amazing artist.

This particular painting was based on the beauty of movement.

How many Hollywood studs or starlets do you have crushes on? (and do they still call them starlets, or was that just a phrase from the days of Jack Benny???)

Do people still say, "Va-va-VOOM!!"?

Now, think seriously. Why do you like them? See, for me, sometimes it isn't how they look. Sometimes, it's how they move. If I had no idea who she was and you showed me a picture of Aubrey Plaza, I would later tell people, 'Yeah, they're dating some brunette. She's cute." And I'd mean it. The girl is cute. I'd put her at a solid 7.

Add movement, though, and you have something different. There's something about the way she carries herself. The confidence, the grace, the athleticism. I could watch her walk around on Parks & Rec for hours, and I don't even like that show.

I could be your sister-in-law.

It works the other way, too. Show me a picture of Zooey Deschenal and I'd tell everyone how how your girlfriend is. Watching her walk around reminds me of a newly birthed zebra. There's no grace. I feel that any  second she's going to twist her ankle. If there was a zombie apocalypse, she would be one of the first ones dead. Hard to be "adorably quirky" when you're getting your eyeball chewed out by a hungry zombie.

It works for men, too. I don't know how many women who have a thing for that ugly sonuva bitch, Viggo Mortensen. If I said, "Hey, you wanna date my brother (obviously a brother-from-another-mother...they don't make us Statons nearly that grotesque)," you'd look at his picture as ask me, "What kind of car does he drive?" If the answer was a '97 Chevy Malibu you'd tell me to get bent.

If ugly was a sin, this dude would burn
like Joan of Ark!

But, if you saw my brother and I having tea at Mad Hatter's then all of a sudden I'd have a hundred new female friends.

"Oh, hi Geraud. I was just thinking about you. How funny. I was thinking about you and here you are. We really need to hang out more often. We have such a good time together. And you're just so, I don't know...amazing. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm interrupting. Who is this? Oh, hi, I'm Posey Fakesalot. I won't keep you. I have to run to yoga and then my boxing class *hair twirl*  but hopefully I'll see you again while I'm hanging out with my best buddy in the universe. *giggle* Tata."

I'll give you my two extremes, for both sexes. Remember, it's all about the way they move. For the ladies, it's this little stud. I know, not the best looking guy, but I dare you to watch him for a little while and tell me you don't get a stirring in your nethers.

Your safety word is "rat"

That's what all women, gay men and bi-sexuals want, right? Someone who is Marty McFly in the street but Willard in the bedroom???

For the men, it's my all-time favorite. This little lady, this lass, this bird, this delicate little flower...sorry, I'm having trouble typing. All the blood has left my head suddenly.

"You don't get a safety word! Now, go make me pancakes!"
------ Tilda

I'm not saying I would kill a guy. I'm just saying that I think it MIGHT be a valid defense to say, "I'm sorry, Your Honor. I would never have done it. But Tilda Swinton told me to."

I think the judge would shake his head and make fun of me...until she walked into the room. Then, I think the judge would shiver, maybe make a little mewling, whimpering sound, and then dismiss the case.

Then, Tilda and I would live happily ever after...if living in a Scottish castle and hunting young starlets for sport could be called "happily ever after."

How about you? Any crushes based on the way they move? Anyone already hot, but then watching them in action takes them up a bunch of notches?  Share!

An Artist Reception

Come by and say hello!

Geraud 

The Most Generous Person I've Ever Known

ROBIN HOOD
14" x 11"
Oil on Canvas
$150

I love this guy! His name is not Robin. It's James. He volunteered to pose for me while I was in Wilmington a few years ago. He was a riot. James lived in a homeless shelter and was doing some work on a movie set. He told me it was a dream come true for him. "And they feed us good," he told me with a laugh.

Talking to James made me feel good. He was one of a few dozen people from the shelter that got rounded up to be extras in this movie I was in. The odds of you seeing the movie are very slim, but the experience was fun, nonetheless.

When I met James I was about 20 pounds heavier, maybe more. I was eating a lot of fast food and I think at night elves were coming into my room and making me eat butter packets. I was in terrible shape. This was before I did my first 1/2 marathon. There was a point on the set of the movie that we had to dance for about 5 minutes at a time, over and over and over. It wasn't crazy dancing, but it was the middle of August in an abandoned warehouse that they tried to make look like a 1930's dance club. It was hot as an inmates skivvies in there!

So, on one of the breaks we all went outside and just sat around. Then, James came up to me and said, "I don't know if I should share this with anybody, but I think I found some doughnuts."

"Found some doughnuts?" I asked. "Where?"

"There's another food table around the corner," he said. "I don't know if we can have any of that. They have better food than we have."

The Extras get a table of drinks and snacks. Movies with higher budgets tend to have better food choices for everyone. The Stars of the movie also have tables of food. Their food is better than ours. I told James that.

James gave me this huge grin. "That's what I thought," he said with a self congratulatory nod. "I knew that stuff was too good for us."

I laughed. "Good thing we like energy bars."

James laughed harder. Too hard. He walked away still laughing.

Later, I saw James sharing a few doughnuts with some of the guys from the shelter. I immediately fell in love with him. I called him Robin Hood after that. We worked together for a few more days before our stint was done on the movie set. Everyday he would somehow sneak over to the Stars table and snag a little something and share it with some of the others from the shelter. As far as I know, he never told them where the food was, and he never seemed to hoard a bunch of it. Just enough to share.

On the last day he walked up to me and sat down. We were eating lunch. Well, I was eating lunch. Something that was chicken-like, with some rice and gravy and a roll that wasn't half bad. And Gatorade. They LOVED to serve us Gatorade. James didn't have anything.

"You already eat, Robin Hood?"

He laughed. He really liked that moniker. "Yep," he said with pride.

"I'm thinking of getting seconds," I said. We had at least an hour before they needed any of us, so we were just standing around eating and trying to find shade wherever we could.

James said, "Yeah? You still hungry?"

I patted my gut. "I can always eat!" A little self deprecation goes a long way, sometimes.

James grinned. "Good," he said. He unslung his backpack from over his shoulder and put it down. He unzipped it and reached in and pulled out the biggest god damned sandwich I ever saw! It was like a Scooby-Doo sandwich, all wrapped in plastic wrap. "This is for you."

"What? Where the hell did you get that?"

"I made it," he said proudly. "They have a sandwich table over there today. I was going to make a couple sandwiches but I thought it would be too hard. And I knew you never turned me in for feeding the guys, so I made you a sandwich. I know you like to eat!" He laughed that amazing laugh of his.

I knew very little about James. There were a couple things I knew with certainty.

1. James wasn't a fan of washing his hands.
2. James was fond of picking his nose.
3. James was one of the nicest humans I'd ever met.

I unwrapped that sandwich, thought about James' nasty hands, looked at the sandwich that was loaded with roast beef and ham and turkey and lettuce and tomatoes and three kinds of cheese and mayo and brown mustard and, I shit you not, a tiny tomato on top stuck on with a tooth pick.

It was the best sandwich I've ever eaten before or since.

I never saw James after that day. But I've never forgotten him, either. He was one of the most generous men I've ever known, and I hope he's doing well.

Here's to you, James!

Geraud

Still Lifes at Midnight

MONKEY, MELON AND BLOCK
8" x 6"
Oil on Canvas Board
$45

I love this little piece, and I'll be doing plenty more of them! I'll be selling them at the show, but there's no need to wait. I suspect they'll be going fast. This one is of a simple scene that I put together. It's simple, but the feeling is still there. It's just what I was going for and I'd love to hear what you guys think of it!

I'd also like to hear what you thought of The Dark Knight Rises. I know you all didn't head out at midnight to watch the movie...but I know a lot of you did! I'll save my "review" until after the weekend ends and people get a chance to check it out!

I was disappointed in the crowd at the movie. A midnight showing of a Batman film and I was expecting some costumes. I was the only one "dressed up" in my joker mask, and I didn't even wear it while I was in line. Guess I failed, too! Did you guys see any great costumes???

I'm a joker, I'm a stroker, I'm a green-haired Bram Stoker.

When Did We Get So Trashy???

SHATTERED II
30" x 18"
Oil on Canvas
$750

You've seen the first version of Shattered, and I liked it a lot. You can take a look at the original here and decide for yourself. I have come to enjoy doing paintings a second time, and sometimes a third time. Maybe this is from a lack of planning on my part, but I don't think that's the case. I think I just like the minor changes that I make in the work. It rarely makes me think less of the work before it. In fact, I tend to think of them as very different paintings.

Because I'm re-doing a few of my favorite paintings it makes sense that my brain has been re-thinking all sorts of things. The one that has taken the driver's seat is with our home. This place is a clutter jungle. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a whole Smurf village living amongst all the shit we have. Instead of a junk drawer, we have a junk room. And when I say "junk room" what I mean is that we have TWO junk rooms!

The other day I just knew there was a hidden camera show following me because I opened the closet in one of the junk rooms and a bunch of shit fell out onto my head. I was waiting for Fred Flintstone's bowling ball to roll out and land on my cranium! TheWife tripped over a guitar and that was all she wrote. 


Did I mention that neither of us plays the guitar!?!?

We've spent a day in a frenzy. We're throwing stuff out like we were getting paid by the pound. The rules for what we keep are pretty strict:

     RULES FOR WHAT WE KEEP
     If you want to keep something you must withstand the following three questions from your spouse:


     1. You sure you want to keep that?


     2. Really? You're actually going to keep that?


     3. Really??


     This line of questions is followed by a withering stare.


This plan worked very well, though it does tend to make the process go a little slower. Sometimes those stares take a few minutes. The good news is that they almost always make the other cave in. Soon, our house is going to be a minimalists wet dream!


Hmmm, do minimalists have wet dreams, or would that be considered clutter?


Anyway, We've worked our way through most of the first junk room. We're going to work on junk room #2 later today and then we'll make our way through the rest of the house. So, if anyone has a need for an old wicker basket with three handles, or a paperback with no cover and the first 4 pages ripped off so you don't know what book you're reading, or a random box of pens and pencils, or one of seven, non-matching tiny bags that were used to hold school books for The Littles, then come on by and take a look in my trash bin. You'll be glad you did!


Just don't be surprised when you're writing this very same blog entry by the end of the summer!


Geraud

This dude would be SOOOO eaten by now!

Sunny and Share

SUNNY
11" x 14"
Oil on Canvas
$150

I'm working pretty fast for my art show and this is the latest. This is Sunny, the latest of my koi paintings. It's a sweet painting, and the colors are fun. I've been painting koi for some time now, and most of the images are larger. Much larger. I'm going to do quite a few smaller ones because I think these beautiful creatures tend to be more intimate and the smaller images show that much better.

 You're about to see a flood of paintings. I'm getting ready for the big art show reception on August 17th at Mercury Studios in Durham, NC. The show itself will run through all of August, so if you can't make the reception you should get out there to see the work. You'll just miss my pretty face.

On the topic of art, here is something that I think everyone can use, whether you're a writer, painter, songwriter, chef, bonsai groomer or you do henna tattoos for cats. I saw this on the interweb and felt it needed to be spread!

I LOVE this! I know a lot of people struggle with the artist gap. I did. There's also a money gap that they don't talk about, but it's there. It will all come soon! You just have to keep producing and putting yourself out there and one day you'll be at the top of your game and you'll be doing exactly what you want to be doing. You want to tap dance on Broadway? Go for it. Make lampshades out of dead insects? Knock yourself out. Bring dance to a town that has outlawed dancing? Be careful with that one, but do it!

I'll see you on the other side of the gap!

Tarot and Cowboys

The Star
Oil on Canvas
24 x 30
$1200


Just finished this painting and I love it. Prints will be available soon. The model is a very good friend of mine (though you might not think so if you ever heard us bantering back and forth). She's a pure pleasure. Plus, she let me paint her nude. This always moves you up higher on my friendship scale. Just a little something for you guys to remember.

This weekend, and for the next couple of days, I'm spending with my god son. So far, I've introduced him to A Fistful of Dollars and For A Few Dollars More, two of Clint Eastwood's best spaghetti westerns. And the good news...he likes them. I'll admit, there was some fear that he would find them boring or too old to be enjoyable or too goofy to take seriously. Well, semi-serious. Tonight, we'll start on Silverado and possibly Tombstone. 

I went through the desert on a horse with no name. He wasn't that dangerous.

When I was young I wanted to be a cowboy, just like 95% of all male children and approximately 12% of the females (these are actual numbers that I got from the Cambodian Census Organization of 1964. Legit!). I wanted to be the well-dressed cowboy. Like Doc Holliday. And yes, I love Val Kilmer's version. But my favorite was the Kirk Douglas version. I wanted to be the rogue, card-playing, gunslinger.

Check out my shiny vest. I'm a rogue! And I wear rouge!

I've imagined it a thousand times. Me, sitting in the saloon with a whiskey, a deck of cards, and a beautiful woman chatting me up (probably because I was paying for drinks. When I was a kid, I thought all women were shallow). The piano player would be giving us a gay tune on an out of tune piano. And then, some guys would wander in. Maybe they sauntered in. Perhaps more of a swagger in. Anyway, they came in and sat and we play some poker until the wee hours of the morning and I would be winning because what loser imagines themselves losing at poker??? 


Then, some asshole would come in hitting on my girl and calling me names like "dandy" or "cheat" or "moose-jawed ape." And I would say something slick like, "Ughhh, no. You are!"


Then the asshole would shove the table away, dumping poker chips and cash all over the place. The piano player would stop playing "Buffalo Gal."


I'd be cool. I wouldn't even get up. Just sit there and glare and the asshole would be breathing hard and slobbering and yelling things. Then, I'd stand and we'd stare at each other and the piano player would run out the door and my girl would take a step behind me and everyone else would have their heads down or whimper or whatever the townsfolk do when a gun fight is about to happen. 

Butt out o' my business! I taint scared!

Tension would mount, but I would wait. I'm no Han Solo. I let the asshole draw first. Don't worry, ladies. I'll be alright. I have a plan.

The asshole would grimace at me and I would wink or blow a kiss at him or stick my tongue out and waggle it. It would piss him off and he'd draw on me. But I would have a little derringer hidden in my sleeve and "BANG!"

Game over. The asshole would have a new opening in his forehead and everyone in the bar would be pleased because I was always the good guy. The girl would get the money off the floor, the others would straighten the table, the sheriff would pat me on the back and I'd call it a night because I was tired. Then, me and the girl would go upstairs and I'd try to get to second base. Maybe third base!

That would probably happen every night.

It was either be that, or an oil painter.

Geraud

Song Talking II: Electric Boogaloo

You're wondering who I am.

Talking songs is like a doing street magic. It doesn't always work. Hell, it MOSTLY doesn't work. But when it does it's amazing.

When I say "it works" this can be two different things. The first success is when people know immediately what you're doing but instead of eye rolling or groaning they join in.

I'm doing community theatre and our play opened this weekend. It's called the 10 by 10 (ten plays with ten actors, ten directors, all done in ten minutes). It's great fun and the cast is enjoyable. A girl that I call "WannaBeCarol" because she has this insane love of Carol Burnett, was talking about some dude (or girl, I guess) that I didn't know. Not liking being excluded from a conversation I casually said about this person, who's name was Jesse (or Jessie)...

"Oh wait. I know Jesse. Jesse was a friend. You know he's always been a good friend of mine."
Mercedes added, "But lately somethings changed."
Scooter: "It ain't hard to define."
WeatherGirl: "Jesse's got himself a girl and I wanna make her mine."
Me: ""Cause she's watching him with those eyes."
Scooter: "She's loving with that body."
Mercedes and WeatherGirl: "I just know it"
WannaBeCarol: "And he's holding her in his arms late late at night."
Everybody: "I wish that I had Jesse's girl!"

Best of??? I haven't even gotten started yet!

Ah, joviality! A true success!

But it's the second type of success that I love the most, probably because I'm an asshole. It is the one that makes me cry myself to sleep at night because I'm laughing so hard! And because I just started summer classes in Microeconomics I'm surrounded by people younger than 20 who don't know anyone who doesn't have a $ymbol in their name. Or is that symbo! ? Or SIMbol? Anyway, behold!

Aldo and I are not tight in the sense that we hang out after school, like Buffy and Willow or anything. But we have a lot in common so we tend to hang out during lunch or talk for a few minutes when we cross paths on campus. This particular day is sweltering hot but we cross paths and hang out for couple minutes on the way to our respective classes. While talking, he sees a girl he knows and says something very tasteful and classy about what she's wearing. I remark about how lovely she looks in her outfit and mention something about the charm with which she carries herself. It was all very loving and non-pervy. Then, he calls her over and then says to me, "Can you "Song her"?" I guess this is going to be our new term for it. So, I say, "Hell yeah, I'll song her!"

My brain kicks into overdrive, but I don't have any ideas. Maybe I'll wing it. He introduces her as "YoungGirl" and I say hello while not looking down her shirt for any reason. Girls are not meat! Be respectful, even if they are wearing something see-thru.

She says hello and small talk starts and it's hotter than Mickey Roarke's balls outside and I wonder if there will ever be a place to start when YoungGirl asks what we were standing in the heat talking about. Aldo looks at me and I have it.

"I've got a secret I've been hiding under my skin."

"Oooh," YoungGirl says. "This sounds good."

"My heart is human." I look up at the sun and add, "my blood is boiling. My brain...IBM."

She doesn't get the IBM reference, but she understands blood boiling, of that I have no doubt. She grimaces and adds, "It's supposed to be over 100 again today. I don't know how ya'll do it."

"Well, if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised."

"'cause you'll be dying of heat stroke!" she says.

Aldo is trying not to piss himself.

"Nah," I say. "I'm just a man who needed someone and somewhere to hide."

"Wait," YoungGirl says, "is this what you guys were talking about?"

"Yes. Somewhere to hide to keep me alive."

Aldo says, "Somewhere to hide to keep me alive."

I break, but she doesn't notice. She's intrigued. I'm sweating and my head hurts from trying not to laugh any harder.

"What are you two talking about? What did you do?"

We both try to get a hold of ourselves. I'm more successful than Aldo. I lean in a little closer to YoungGirl.

"I'm not a robot without emotion. I'm not what you see."

"Ok," she says, really trying to understand.

"I'm here to help you with your problems so we can be free."

Blank stare.

"I'm not a hero, I'm not a savior. Forget what you know."

She leans back and puts a hand on your hip. "I don't know anything about you." She looks at Aldo and he nods in my direction as if to say, "You'd better listen to this cat. He has all the answers." It seems to be enough because she squints, crosses her arms under her breasts (which I do NOT look at) and seems to be putting her thinking cap on.

"I'm just a man who's circumstances went beyond my control. Beyond my control. Beyond my control."

"Ooooookay."

"I need control. We all need control."

She shakes her head. She doesn't understand. And she's getting hotter because now she's sweating through the lower part of her shirt and you can see her naval ring. Or, so I hear.

"I am the modern man who hides behind a mask so no one else can see my true identity."

She's had more than enough. "Ok," she says in exasperation. "Is this some kind of Jesus thing? I ain't got time for this. I have to go to class."

We don't know when she left because we were laughing too hard. And, once again, I'm late for class.

Geraud

You've got to try doing this. Please let me know the results. Success? Abject failure? Share with us!

10 Things I Learned From The Andy Griffith Show

I grew up watching reruns of The Andy Griffith Show. Not sure there are many of us who didn't. And, like many of us, I learned quite a few life lessons from that show and I still follow these principles today!

1. If your good friend is suffering from a lack of self confidence, stage a bank robbery (or something related to their job, like a printer jam or some bad coding or a pissed off customer) so that they can get their confidence back!

"Holy smokes, Dave! That wastepaper basket is on fire!"
"Wait! I'm a fireman! I thought I was terrible but I bet I can put that out with no problem! Thanks for alerting me. You're a good friend!"

2. If your kid wants to give a couple pennies to charity, you should probably ask him his reasoning before you send the kid to bed without supper. Unless it's a ginger kid. You can do whatever you want to those kids.

3. Do as you say and do as you do...wait. Don't do as you say but do as you...no...Your kid should do as you say but not as you do...hmmm...

Look, if you tell your kid about being honest, don't go making up shit about an old cannon just so you can sell it!

4. When your aunt makes a bunch of pickles with kerosene, don't replace them with store-bought pickles. Something bad is going to happen. 

This pickle is just another sign of arrested development!

I didn't learn this lesson early enough. One of my friends decided to sell lemonade when I was a kid. But she didn't know you were supposed to put sugar in it. Me and a friend tasted it and it was gross. But, instead of telling her (she was very cute) we went home and got money and bought all of it and drank it in front of her to prove how tasty it was. After that, she would always give us lemonade. Blerg! 

5. What goes around comes around. Or maybe, absolute power corrupts. Or watch who you screw on the way up because they will laugh at you on the way down. Maybe...screw it. Look, if you're gonna give someone a ticket for an illegal u-turn you can't just do that same thing right in front of them! You will never hear the end of it!

6. When your kid comes home and tells you he met a man who can blow smoke out of his ears, has twelve extra hands, and gives him a gift, you should believe him. Wait...maybe that's ridiculous. No, if you're kid comes home and tells you he met a man in the woods named Mr. McBeevee and that he can blow smoke out of his ears, then that kid is likely blowing smoke up your ass and you should send him to bed without dinner. And maybe send him to a shrink.

I met a man, McBeevee, and he danced for you in worn out shoes.

7. When an ex-con is coming to pay your friend a visit, you do what you gotta do to protect them. Even if it means getting yourself tied up a little.

8. Special forces, you should consider this fancy move: Instead of bombs or raids or expensive rockets, why don't you get a goat and have him eat a little dynamite!?! Then you can lead him to the enemy and just wait for that goat to eat some blasting caps or something. I'm sure that will work! You know how hard it is to lead a goat out of town!?!

9. This happens to me all the time and I wish my friends would learn this valuable lesson. When something happens, like a cave-in or something, and people start trying to help you out...LET THEM! Dude, why steal a guy's thunder??? He's putting in some effort to do something nice for you. Don't just pop out and say, "Awww, thanks, loser. But turns out I don't need your help afterall. Thanks for the wasted effort!" How about you get your ass back in that cave and wait for your buddy to give you a hand. 


Here are some more real life examples: If I bring you some coffee because I was, I don't know, thinking about you and wanted to do something nice, then hide the coffee you bought yourself and smile. Say, "Oh, thanks! I really wanted some coffee," while you pour your original coffee into the potted plant.


Oh, maybe if someone says, "Hey buddy, I heard you were sick so I made you some soup" (when, what they really did was go out of their way to get fresh ingredients to make you a soup and then brought it over despite having a lot of shit to do) how about instead of saying, "aww, someone else who was a little faster on the draw and who just ran to Costco already brought me some, and I don't really like carrots, but that was sort of sweet anyway." Maybe you give them a huge smile and say, "holy crap, carrot soup! How did you know?!?" and then drink it down like it was the last glass of water on the planet!


10. Finally...

Bird is the word!

...you gotta take care of your own mistakes. I'm statin' the obvious but people seem to forget it. You drop something, pick it up. You hurt someone, make amends. You ruin a project at work, don't try to NOT fix it. Don't cop to the issue but then hope it just goes away. Fix it! If a little kid can shoot a mama bird with a sling shot and then nurse the baby chicks until they are able to live on their own, then I'm sure you can call that client and apologize for losing their paperwork and then make sure they get everything they were promised plus a little extra for wasting their time. 


Live by these rules and you'll be known as one of the most moral men or women on the planet!




How about you guys? Any Andy Griffith lessons you learned that have stuck with you? Maybe just some favorite episodes that I missed? Add them to the comments section! I'd love to hear about them.


G

At the End of My Rope

There are lot of things you can climb, and some of them are even fun. You can climb the corporate ladder (not fun unless you like being lapdog to the boss's son). You can climb Mount Everest (also not fun unless you like having your balls frozen like whole pea pods from Costco). You can climb on top of your man (which should be fun unless he just got off work from a cheese factory located in a coal mine, in which case you should let him shower first). You can climb your way out of a financial hole (always good, but please learn your lesson and stop spending your money on gambling and motorcycle parts). 

This week I focus on being able to climb a rope. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's better than climbing the corporate ladder but not as fun as climbing on your man...even though I don't actually have a man. Maybe I should have made all of these things gender neutral. Or, maybe I should include two of every example so that everyone can be a part of the fun. 

Let's see..."lot of things you can climb..." blah blah blah...Ah. You can climb the corporate ladder (not fun unless you like getting groped by the boss whenever no one is looking). You can climb Mount Everest (also not fun unless you like having your junk frozen shut like Wal-Mart clams). You can climb on top of your woman (which should be fun unless she was working in a fish hatchery located in a paper mill, in which case you should let her shower first).You can climb your way out of a financial hole (always good, but please learn your lesson and stop spending your money on expensive bourbon and dominatrix outfits).

That's better. Where was I? Oh, right. Climbing. Why do I want to climb a rope? Because it's part of the Tough Mudder training. 

Obstacle 15: The Rope-A-Dope - A 15' free climb up a rope, just like in gym class!

So, I'm going to hang a rope in a tree in the back yard and start working my way up. You guys are going to love watching this. Close your eyes and try to imagine a 260 lb man trying to shimmy 15' up a rope. I promise to record a few attempts and I'll add some yackety sax to make it extra funny. Oh, how you guys are going to laugh and laugh. Pointing and laughing. Giggling until you pee yourselves. 

Why do I feel sad all of a sudden?

The goal: Be able to climb this thing all the way to the top within 4 weeks. 

What kind of obstacle course workouts are you guys doing? I'd love to hear about them!